Anti-Depressants Injected into Economy

WASHINGTON D.C.—With the DOW plummeting at record levels and the American financial system in ruin, economic forecasters are all predicting a deep and long recession. In response to words like “great” and “depression” on Wall St. President Bush and Secretary Paulson are proposing to inject billions of anti-depressants into the failing banking system. The goal of the rescue plan is to alter the mood of the economy from “despairing” to “hopeful” as financial leaders are concerned about the mental health of the economy.

“Depression is a real medical condition,” said President Bush in a White House press conference, “that can affect anyone, including the American economy. But there are successful ways to treat it, and anti-depressants are one way that has proven to be effective.”

In a press release from Secretary Paulson, “The goal of the ‘pill-out’ is to make bankers feel better about themselves so they will be more optimistic about freeing up credit.”

In the last month the economy has exhibited telling symptoms such as a lasting mood of sadness, a loss of interest and pleasure in activities it usually enjoys, changes in sleep patterns, and suicidal thoughts according to leaders at the Fed. Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke said the rescue plan would help to curb the rounds of panic attacks investors have been feeling ever since the mood of the economy took a downturn.

However, critics of the plan say the cost to the taxpayers will be too high and have little impact. The $750 billion needed to finance the pill-out isn’t covered by the governments medical insurance plan and will have to be paid for out of pocket.

Presidential candidates Barrack Obama and John McCain have proposed new health care plans that promise to finance the rescue. Obama favors a nationalized health care system that will cover low-income investors while McCain will give a $5,000 tax credit to working bankers for their mental health needs.

At a rally yesterday in Ohio Obama commented, “We all know that average American financial barrons are sitting around the kitchen table trying to figure out how to pay for health care. My plan will eliminate that anxiety and give hope to millions of lenders and borrowers who will not be disqualified for having a pre-existing condition like bad credit.”

The plan is to be go to Congress for approval next week.


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